Code of Conduct (On Food Verbiage)

A fellow foodie posted this on HGW, I found it rather interesting so I thought it’s worth a read.

Have a good read =)

(Extracted from May issue of Appetite. )

Gentle reader, it has come to our notice that there’s been a disturbance in the force. What force, we hear you say? Why, the food police force, whose ranks have been swellilng with independent constables and plainsclothes detectives ever since the advent of blogspot and twitter. Now, to the average person in the street, the field of food writing can sometimes seem like its own secret world, a gnostic enclave of pursed-lipped, eagle-eyed experts who murmur furtive notes into their handphones during meals and trade barbs about balsamic, like the Freemasons, but with better hair. This is not true; somtimes our hair is not that great.

But we do acknowledge that food writing has its own codes that may sometimes be opaque to the average person. Dear reader, we would like to help clarify the bubbling stockpot of verbiage and help you to navigate the gushing torrents of opinion, and so this month, we bring you a guide to reviewspeak. Here is a glossary of frequently used terms and techniques, and what they mean.

A must-try : one of only three dishes that were picked for me to try.

A whole new level : I’ve never paid this much for food before.

An acquired taste : I spat most of it discreetly into my napkin

Chill out ambience compilation CDs featuring Euro DJs you’ve never heard of are playing in the background, and the service is glacially slow.

Deconstructed : unrecognisable; requiring two minutes of instruction from your waiter as to how to eat it.

Distinctive flavour : I’ve never eatern this dish/ingredient before, but I’m pretty sure it tastes like itself.

Exciting new concept : an existing concept, with bigger menus, color-coordinated staff uniform, and crockery from a Japanese $2 shop.

Explosion/explode/bursting with flavour : I mostly eat porridge at home.

Fresh/freshness/refreshing : it used to be that ingredient freshness was a given, and thus not worth singling out for attention. From the frequency with which these words are now used, its seems to be more of a novelty these days.

Impeccable service : my ice water glass was refilled promptly and without charge.

It was very good/yummy/tasty/nice/appetising/interesting : I can’t be bothered to get out mu thesaurus.

It was cooked just right/ to perfection : well I liked it anyway. Thesaurus? Whats a thesaurus?

Modern twist : smaller plates, bigger garnishes, higher mark-up.

Molecular : I don’t recognise at least six of the eight things assembled together in this course, eve n as food. Why doesn’t anything even move when I tilt the plate? Ok its deflating, now what do I do?

Mouth : a place in which apparently almost anything can happen, including melting, falling, exploding, flooding, gushing, playing , kicking, punching and so on.

Negatives : two negatives in the hand – ‘the soup was neither too spicy nor too sour’ – are worth one positive in the bush. Very useful if once can’t come up with enough positives. Bonus points for adding longer modifiers, such as ‘not overly..’ and ‘ not excessively’…

Rustic Charm : I’ve never seen that many shades of brown in one place before, and the floors aren’t swept properly.

I was pleasantly surprised : because after seeing the rustic charm of the place, my expectations were way low.

Signature dish : the most expensive of the three dishes I was made to try.

The taste was indescribable : I’m not entirely sure what I was eating..come to think of it I’m not sure whether I enjoyed it either.

Tender/crispy/fluffy/juicy/creamy/succulent : these are the most popular texture adjectives found in all food writing. The frequency of their use however, is often more proportional to the excitability of the writen than the quality of the food.